Breakdown

On March 1st I broke down. I guess I had it coming. For the last 40 years I’ve been slowly steering toward this crash. The signs have been there. They always have been. And they were ignored by the ones who should have told me.

I’m not even sure what happened. Or how it happened.

One day I had a job, ambitions, dreams, a future. The next day? Nothing!

Yes, the job I did for the last year was too hard. My boss a completely asshole. I nearly quit a few times, but decided to just stick with it until pay off my debt.

The woman? She told me she doesn’t feel for me what I feel for her; And that I dependent too much on her. She was right, but I just broke down.

So I’ve been on sick leave for the last five weeks – and nothing happened. Nothing improved. No way out appeared. I’m using the very last of my energy reserves to just keep alive.

I can’t get anything done. Burnout they say. Depression. For me it’s just confusion.

My brain understands what went wrong, the bad childhood, abusive father, non loving mother, a row of “wrong” girlfriends and partners, but my heart and my body just keeps falling apart from time to time; Making me want to cry. Out of the blue. For no apparent reason.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

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